Early 2005
After the holiday stint to Bangkok, our relationship became rosier and sweeter. We made it a point to have meals together on a frequent basis despite our hectic schedules. I was on industrial attachment at Motorola and was generally quite free after work. This was definitely a good change from the hectic work load during school term.
January is a month for the Chinese New Year celebrations. For the very first time, we went down to Chinatown to experience the buzz and excitement. Last year's Chinese New Year was not a happy one, we quarreled over a minor issue and despite having an enjoyable night after the dinner and dance event, we ended the night with a sour note and I recklessly sped on the road which left her frightened and traumatised. This time round, I was determined not to let history repeat itself. I specially waited and bought "Bak Kua" for her so that her family could enjoy the traditional tasty delights for the festive season. Jer and myself visited Chinatown a few times (3 times, i think), just for the fun of it and it was a different experience altogether when you walk down the bustling street with a special someone. It was unlike any festive season I've spent with her. I felt like a lucky man and cherished every single moment with her. For the first time in many years, I went down to her relatives place to wish them a happy festive period. She in turn, also went house visiting with me. I felt very proud to let others know that I had a cool gal as my gf. I could not help but sense a warm feeling which engulfed me.
Is this how happiness really felt like? If so, will it last forever?
2nd - 3rd Quarter of 2005
Jer bought me a lightsaber. It is the one from Master Replicas Force FX Lightsaber; The Darth Vadar saber from episode IV. I've always wanted one as I'm a star wars fanatic. All that light saber slashing action is now a reality. Words cannot describe my excitement. Jer paid the collectible in full. A whopping S$250 dollars. Honestly speaking, that is very EXPENSIVE for an over rated piece of fluoroscent tube light blub attached to a piece a plastic. Never once did she back out from her promise to get me my new toy. Check out the lightsaber. It's the totally cool red colour lightsaber.
After that we went down to catch glimpes of the National Day Parade. I recalled we had Pizza Hut & KFC for dinner @ Funan centre. It was quite an experience as the pizza was placed in a really really small package. We were fortunate enough to catch more glimpes of the national day parade and we even got the best view of the fireworks (from an air con bus) along sheares bridge. Very LUCKY!! Jer was so excited that she messaged her best friend about watching the spectacular fireworks right after. Sometimes, it really makes me happy to see her smile.
4th Quarter 2005
Jer called me and told me she was seeking a change in work environment. After spending a considerable time at modus, she felt that it was good for her to switch careers. Her new workplace is located at Suntec City, right in the middle of town. She asked me whether I could accompany her to scout for the new office before she started work. Normally, I will have brought her there. Somehow, I was bogged down with tons of school work and ended up on the selfish side. I told her I was too busy to accompany her to locate the place and constantly procrastinated. In the end, she went to search for the place together with her friends. I don't know why I didn't accompany her even though it would only take a small amount of time. I promised to be with her and help her in times of need, but I guess my selfish behavoir surfaced out again.
She never said anything after that, but I knew I had disappointed her once again...As per usual, the end of the year marks the time for the dreaded examinations. Jer and I occasionally went down to the Jurong regional library to study for the exams. She was taking 2 modules, Economics and some other business management module. She seemed jaded and exhausted, mainly because she just changed a job and was still adapting. Her modules had lots of readings and I constantly saw her mug for the exams. Even though she claimed she did not study very hard for the exam, I knew she will be able to score well.
She has proven before that she juggle both work and school easily. That is one aspect on why I respect her greatly, her sense of discipline is greater than most other people.Too many of times, I've seen people giving up because they cannot handle the stress and workload of work and education. She is indeed special. No denying to it.
Jer asked me about how I felt about the relationship and whether I felt we could continue. Both of us felt drained from everything and we felt something was missing. I smiled and told her I will give her a reply after my examinations (which was directly after her papers).
I reflected every single day after she asked me that question. Was I doing her justice. There was no denying that she loved me more than I do. There was no denying that I did not treat her as well as I do. As each day past, I constantly asked myself how I felt for her. I love her, I still do, but will it be fair for her? She gave me multiple chances, forgave me multiple times and still continued to care for me. I have this instill fear in me that someday, when things go sour, things will turn out very bad. I don't want her to be hurt. I don't want her to be tied to a person like me who cannot give her long term happiness. I dare not give her commitment in fear that I will hurt her again in the future. She is truely a unique gal with a big heart. Surely she deserves someone better than me. The decision is a hard one to make.
Sometimes, the most painful decision in life is one which will give that someone special a better tomorrow....
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